


Lightning in the Collied Night

by FrenchKey, JayofOlympus



Series: Made, Not Found [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, First Dates, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Nat shows affection through violence, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, They do eventually, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Use Your Words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:20:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23332996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrenchKey/pseuds/FrenchKey, https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayofOlympus/pseuds/JayofOlympus
Summary: Finding out you're soulmates is just the beginning. Clint and Bucky now have to navigate their new relationship while dealing with scars left by past ones.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton
Series: Made, Not Found [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677973
Comments: 4
Kudos: 74
Collections: Winterhawk Bingo





	Lightning in the Collied Night

**Author's Note:**

> WinterHawk bingo 2019 - Free Space
> 
> The title comes from A Midsummer Night's Dream

‘That’s going to be interesting to cover up for missions,’ Nat said when she saw the mark that evening. Her tone was studiously blank, making Clint’s shoulder blades itch. Was she mad at him for getting in such a stupid situation?

‘Yeah…’ he muttered, shrugging. ‘Was kinda an accident.’

‘You’re a disaster, you know that?’ she said, pushing off the counter and coming over to wrap him in a hug. ‘What am I going to do with the pair of you?’

‘Love us and keep us from self-destructing like the human trainwrecks we are?’ Clint suggested hopefully. ‘But we can hide it, right? It’s kind of… deep. Dark? What’s the word? I don’t even know. Can it be hidden, if I need to hide it?’

‘The word you’re looking for is vivid,’ she sighed, ‘And yes, you can cover it. The science teams have all sorts of concealers and paints for marks, you know that. You’ve used them plenty of times. Why are you panicking?’

Clint took a deep breath. She was right. He was being ridiculous. ‘I’ve just… none of my marks are this… _visible_. They’re all in places I can cover them easily. And none of them are like this. This is… it’s a target. A giant neon sign yelling about how much I care about Bucky. It makes us both vulnerable.’

‘Mmm, because of course, Bucky just screams vulnerability,’ Nat said, utterly deadpan. ‘It’s something about being the greatest assassin of the 20th century. It just makes him seem so delicate.’

Clint shot her a sour look. ‘Plenty people are already after both of us, don’t you think some of them might think that a soulmate is an easy way to get to someone? It’s happened to me and you plenty of times,’ he pointed out. ‘I get it; the people after me usually aren’t quite the same calibre as the ones gunning for Bucky, but it’s a complication he doesn’t need. Not when he’s finally getting comfortable here.’

‘Did you ever stop to think that it’s a complication he clearly wants?’ she shot back. ‘Your forehead is right in front of me, dumbass. The strength of that mark doesn’t come from _your_ feelings. He wants you, he wants this, and if he’s half the man I know he is, he’d happily fight an army for you. Honestly,’ she sniffed, ‘You usually see much more clearly than this.’

Clint sighed. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘I know you’re right, but my brain is doing the dumb thing again. I just… There’s part of me that still thinks he’ll change his mind. I’m not exactly cut out for any of this. I’m just not the kind of person that most people wanna be soulmates with.’

A sharp slap to the head shut him up.

‘You listen to me, Clint Barton, and you listen closely,’ Nat hissed, grabbing his arm, over where her red marked him, slotting her fingers easily over the prints they’d left behind years before. ‘Don’t you dare talk like that in front of me again. I choose my soulmates well. Don’t ever doubt that.’

Strong arms encircled his waist and pulled him back against a solid torso. Clint tensed and then relaxed when he recognised the hard line of Bucky’s metal arm against his ribs. He hadn’t noticed his approach. ‘Barton, you’re an idiot,’ Bucky muttered into his ear, just loud enough for his aids to pick it up. ‘You realise that you’d have three times as many soulmates if you actually let people touch you, right?’ Bucky asked.

Clint shook his head. ‘I… let’s let this one go,’ he said. ‘I get the feeling we’re never gonna agree about it.’

Nat huffed and rolled her eyes. ‘You’re impossible,’ she said. ‘Impossible, and a disaster. I’m taking this as permission to remind you that you found one of your soulmates by grabbing their ass. Any time you’re pretending to be an adult, I will remind you of this.’

‘I didn’t mean to!’ Clint objected loudly. ‘It was an accident!’

‘And I’m sure you’re going to keep telling people that,’ Nat said, shaking her head.

‘I don’t… That’s not… No fair!’ Clint pouted. ‘I really didn’t mean to.’

‘I know,’ Bucky said, a slight smile tugging at his lips. ‘I didn’t mean to elbow you in the head either. Doesn’t mean I didn’t wanna leave my mark though. I had been thinking about how and where I could touch you for months, you know.’

Clint could only stare. Bucky had been planning for having Clint as a soulmate? He’d put thought into it. Clint had too, but mostly in the way he’d thought about touching the other Avengers; an impulsive, idle curiosity. He’d wondered for a while if he would mean as much to them as they did to him, but he was always too afraid to find out. For Bucky, who was already covered in soul marks, to have thought about how to leave his mark on Clint seemed impossible.

‘I…’ Clint breathed. ‘That’s… wow.’

‘As always, your way with words astounds us all,’ Nat quipped.

‘Doll?’ Bucky asked quietly, ‘Was that… I mean, is that… was that too much?’

Clint shook his head so hard he felt a muscle in his neck twinge. ‘No!’ he yelled. ‘No, it’s not that,’ he continued at a more decorous volume, ‘I just… I never thought anyone would… especially you. I didn’t think people like me got to have marks like that, from people like you. People don’t touch me, Bucky. I don’t let them,’ he murmured, sounding like he was about to burst into tears.

Bucky nodded slowly. ‘If you… If you ever want to talk about it, I’d be happy to listen,’ he offered. ‘I know things like this can be hard to talk about. To explain. I wanted to do things right.’

‘He wouldn’t have let you,’ Nat said softly, placing a gentle hand on Clint’s shoulder to ground him. ‘But I’m glad you got the chance anyway. I’m sure I don’t have to make any kind of speeches about broken hearts right now, but keep in mind that Clint was my soulmate first, and I will not forgive any hurt he experiences.’

Bucky nodded again, ignoring Clint’s whine of protest. ‘I understand,’ he assured her.

‘Mmhmm… Blah, blah, blah. Too many feelings. Go away now,’ she said flapping her hands at them.

Bucky chuckled and stepped away, but Clint pressed a quick kiss to Nat’s temple before following.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

* * *

Their first date was very relaxed. They’d picked a diner near the Tower that they both loved. It was a place they’d gone to a few times in the past, and the kid that served them was always underwhelmed by them in spite of their fame. It was the perfect place to avoid too much attention while still getting away from the Tower for a while, and it was somewhere they could be comfortable.

Clint had covered the mark before they went out, claiming he was not quite comfortable yet with walking around the city wearing what basically amounted to a flashing neon sign declaring that he and Bucky were together, when they hadn’t even been on a date yet. Bucky couldn’t wait to see what Tony and Steve would say when they saw it, though Clint seemed a little more anxious, likely because his mark was infinitely more noticeable. Thank god they’d been on a mission for the past three days.

Clint relaxed back into the booth and stretched his feet out in front of him. ‘Sooo…’ he drawled and then stopped. Bucky quirked an eyebrow at him. ‘Umm… yeah, well, I hadn’t actually considered how to finish that sentence,’ Clint stuttered, rubbing the back of his head. His cheeks were stained with a light blush as he grinned at Bucky.

‘You’re a dork,’ Bucky chuckled. ‘We don’t have to do anything different from what we usually do while we’re here, y’know. We could just get milkshakes and talk shit about the rest of the team. Just ‘cause it’s a date, doesn’t mean we have to act different.’

Some amount of tension drained out of Clint’s shoulders at that. He looked Bucky straight in the eye and bit his lip. ‘Maybe a little different?’ he muttered and then ruined the effect by bursting into giggles.

‘What d’you wanna do that’s different?’ Bucky asked with a smirk. ‘Cause if you wanna share a milkshake, then you can’t order that peanut butter, chocolate, oreo, salted caramel monstrosity you usually order.’

‘Excuse you, I think you mean _masterpiece_ ’ Clint drawled. ‘It’s a culinary delight. Not my fault your palate is too unrefined to cope with my genius.’ He stuck his nose in the air, lips twitching as he held back his laughter.

‘Sure, sure,’ Bucky agreed, ‘Your genius. That’s what I have trouble with.’

‘Speaking of,’ Clint said, ‘You need to come down to the range sometime soon and see the new arrows Tony made for me. They’re awesome! They _shoot lightning_!’

Bucky grinned at his enthusiasm, listening while he explained what Tony had done to the arrows, and how he’d ensured they were correctly balanced. Clint was a lot smarter than anyone ever gave him credit for, and Bucky couldn’t help but revel in the small glimpses of that intelligence that Clint allowed him to see.

The conversation meandered from there into some training exercises that Steve had planned, through tales of old training mishaps and somehow ended up in a tall tale about Steve and Bucky growing up together in Brooklyn. 

‘Wait, wait, wait,’ Clint said, hands spread and a gigantic grin on his face, ‘You’re telling me that _Steve_ , our Steve, Steve who looks like butter wouldn’t melt and helps old ladies cross the street, that Steve, once told Father Colquhoun to “Fuck off and suck a dick”?’

‘He did, I swear!’ Bucky cried. ‘His ma swore in Irish all the goddamn time, so he knew some pretty colourful stuff that nobody else understood. I swear to god, he said it with a straight face too, like he would never think of sayin’ somethin’ so awful. Colquhoun never found out either; thought Steve’d said some kind of old Irish blessing.’

‘How old was he?’ Clint asked around his laughter.

‘God, that musta been when we were around eight or nine,’ Bucky said. ‘Steve’s always been a shameless little shit, from the day we first met.’

‘Sounds a bit like Katie-Kate,’ Clint said, grinning and touching the elbow that Bucky knew was marked in light purple. ‘First time I met her, she saved my life and bitched me out the entire time. Then she took me to a little deli and fed me.’

‘I see,’ Bucky said with a nod, ‘You’re the Steve in that story.’

Clint laughed. ‘You’re a dick,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘But no, I don’t really come out of any story looking like Captain Nazi-Puncher. I usually just look like a dumbass.’

‘I’ve never told you the story of how me and Steve met, have I?’ Bucky asked, shaking his head. There was no way he was going to manage to tackle that statement head on, but maybe storytime could be useful.

‘I get the feeling that it involves Steve picking a fight with someone bigger than him,’ Clint said. ‘Given that most of your Tiny Steve stories follow that theme.’

‘It does,’ Bucky conceded, ‘But he was being especially dumb that time. Wanna hear it?’

‘I always want to hear stories about Steve doing something stupid,’ Clint said with a laugh.

‘So, we’re both six, right? Steve lived a block or so over from me but I didn’t know him. I was in the class up from him at school, y’see. I was walking home one day and I hears this great ruckus comin’ from the alley by the baker. Steve, the little dumb shit, had objected to a pack of older boys helping themselves to the sweet rolls on the cooling rack. Boys musta been twelve, thirteen? An’ tiny little Steve was standing there with his fists up, tellin’ them to go on back and apologise,’ Bucky stopped and shook his head.

‘This is already the Steve-est Steve story you’ve ever told me,’ Clint said, biting back laughter, probably at the image of a tiny Steve threatening to fight kids more than twice his size. ‘What happened? Please tell me they didn’t beat the shit out of a six year old with asthma?’

‘They made a damn good go of it,’ Bucky said, frowning darkly. ‘Wasn’t the last time we had a tussle with those assholes. I might never have met Steve before but I was damned if I was gonna leave a tiny mite like him to get beat up without doing something. Course, I was only six myself so I wasn’t a whole load of help. They pushed us around a bit, gave us a thumping. It’s how I got this,’ Bucky said, pointing at the blue streak across his face. ‘Mighta gone real bad, ‘cept one of them recognised me. My Da was still around back then an’ he had a bit of a reputation. None of them wanted George Barnes after them, so they shoved us down and scarpered. Steve took me back to his place to get cleaned up. Idiot’s lucky he’s still alive, pullin’ stunts like that,’ Bucky growled.

Clint’s eyes widened. ‘Jesus, Bucky, that’s insane! Were people just constantly tryin’ to kill each other back then?’

‘Nah, not so much. Stevie’s just kinda always had that effect on people,’ Bucky grinned. ‘Wasn’t the last time I got a soulmark in the middle of a fight, but it’s definitely the most memorable.’

‘Can I ask… Your dad,’ Clint started, twisting an empty sugar packet in his hands. ‘You said your dad had a reputation.’ It wasn’t a question. Not really. More a statement begging for clarification.

‘Yeah,’ Bucky laughed, ‘He liked to relax with a drink, in an evening. Wasn’t too keen on the prohibition, when it came round. Whole neighbourhood thought he was in with the mob, to have such steady access to the good stuff. No one liked to cross him, case they got on the wrong side of some enforcers. Truth was, he just knew a man, who knew a man, who had a still in the basement and actually knew what he was doing with it. Course, none of what he was up to was legal, but it wasn’t mob stuff. Ma wouldn’t have stood for that shit.’

Clint visibly relaxed as he spoke, though there was still some tension in his shoulders.

‘A man with a drink can still be somethin’ to keep out of the way of,’ he said quietly, not looking Bucky in the eye. ‘He never… He never raised a hand to any of you, or your ma?’

Bucky shrugged. ‘Things were different,’ he said simply. ‘People gave their kids a clip round the ear or a swat on the ass. I ain’t sayin’ it was right, just sayin’ it’s what happened. But my da never raised a hand to us when he’d been drinkin’; he tended more toward bein’ a happy drunk. Besides, if he’d ever raised a hand to any of us, my ma woulda cut it off, and then the other for good measure.’

Clint slumped back down into his seat and sighed. Bucky reached out and covered his hand, stilling the restless motion of the sugar packed. ‘I was never scared of my da,’ he murmured, ‘He was a good man.’ He used his grip on Clint’s fingers to turn his hand over and interlace their fingers. ‘Which was your first soulmark?’ he asked.

Clint smiled. ‘The one on my chest,’ he said, drawing his finger down his sternum over where the mark was, hidden by his shirt. ‘My brother, Barney, gave it to me. He says it’s one of his earliest memories, bein’ allowed in to see us after Mom had me. He told me she was so busy yellin’ at the midwife about gettin’ discharged as soon as possible that she didn’t even notice him climb up onto the bed with her so he could see me properly. He’d never seen any real tiny babies up close before, so he got right up close to see. He said I was screamin’ fit to wake the dead, but as soon as he touched me, I stopped and just stared at him.’

Bucky smiled, the image of an older brother being endlessly fascinated by their new sibling reminding him of his own sisters being born. He’d certainly left his mark on each of them as soon as he was allowed to see them.

‘I mean, I definitely wasn’t staring at him, since babies can’t really focus on faces for a while, but it’s a nice thought,’ Clint said. ‘I mean, me an’ him were thick as thieves growin’ up, so it makes sense we’d leave marks on each other.’

Bucky nodded and smiled fondly, ‘Yeah, this one here,’ he said pointing at a deep pink swirl on his shoulder, ‘That was Becca. There’s a green handprint on my shin from Ruth and I had light pink fingerprints from Mary on my wrist,’ he said, lifting his metal hand and wiggling it a little.

Clint grasped his metal hand, clutching it in both of his own. ‘I’m sorry that got taken from you,’ he said quietly. ‘It was only ever me and Barney, so his was the only one I had before I came to SHIELD. It was weird, suddenly always havin’ people tryin’ to touch me.’

Bucky squeezed Clint’s hand, carefully noting that Clint hadn’t mentioned his parents’ marks. He hadn’t known how young Clint had been when he’d lost his parents. ‘I can see that,’ he said, ‘and then you had a great lummox like me elbowing you in the head and leaving you covered in blue.’

Clint shrugged. ‘It’s hardly the most shocking way I’ve gotten a mark,’ he said. ‘Nat was trying to kill me when we marked each other. To be fair, I was trying to kill her too, but still. At least yours was accidental.’

‘That seems to be a theme with her. She near as broke my sternum, marking me,’ Bucky laughed.

* * *

Bucky kissed him softly when they got home that night, smiling into the kiss when Clint tried to deepen it.

‘Bucky…’ Clint whined when he pulled away.

‘Nope,’ Bucky said with a laugh. ‘I’m bein’ a gentleman. Now, let me walk you to your door.’

'You're being a tease, is what you're being,' Clint retorted, linking his arm with Bucky's and following him along the corridor. He had to laugh at the idea of being walked to his door when Bucky only lived a floor above him. Still, it was nice. It made him feel a little like they were high school sweethearts or something. There was a warm, giggly feeling in his stomach that made it hard to quit smiling.

‘This is you,’ Bucky said, slowing to a stop in front of Clint’s door. ‘This was a lot of fun. I feel like we probably shoulda been steppin’ out like this sooner.’

'Yeah,' Clint sighed, breathless, 'Maybe we shoulda been. Still, I'm damn glad we're doing it now. I had a great time.' He leaned up and pressed another kiss to Bucky's mouth, hoping that this time Bucky would let him deepen it.

Bucky kept the kiss chaste though, smiling at Clint’s pout.

‘You’re makin’ it real damn hard to be a gentleman here,’ Bucky said, his thumb tracing circles on Clint’s hip. ‘I wanna get this right. Let me take my time so I can do this right?’

'That does sound nice,' Clint admitted. It did. He didn't think he'd ever had someone want to take things slow, do things 'right' with him before. It was a novel concept. Also, he had to admit, a frustrating one, but he supposed he was willing to see how it went. 'I guess this is goodnight then?' he said to Bucky.

‘Goodnight,’ Bucky said, pressing one last quick kiss to Clint’s lips before stepping away. ‘Sleep well. I’ll see ya tomorrow.’

'See you,' Clint murmured, leaning back against his door and watching Bucky walk to the elevator. He had to restrain a ridiculous little giggle. 

As soon as the elevator doors had closed behind Bucky, Clint opened the door to his own apartment with a giant grin on his face. He and Bucky were dating. Bucky wanted to date him, and take his time with it. Bucky had _kissed_ him. God, he felt like a teenager with his first crush, but it felt utterly amazing.

* * *

The next few weeks only served to solidify Clint’s impression that he was a teenager again. He spent most of his time feeling ridiculously giddy over the idea that Bucky liked him back. He was also existing in a semi-permanent state of incredible horniness. Bucky was still insisting on doing things right and he was more than ready to get some friction going.

The longer it went on, the more Clint began to notice other things. Bucky was always careful about how much affection he showed in public, never doing anything that couldn’t be explained away as the two of them being close friends, and he seemed more comfortable leaving the Tower when Clint had his soul mark covered, and Clint had kept it covered around the others out of habit. Nobody knew they were together besides Nat, who was out on an undercover mission.

The fluttery feeling of giddiness was beginning to shift to an anxious twisting, and Clint grew less sure of their relationship.

Eventually, about a month after their first date, he decided that he needed to know for sure. He waited until they were alone in Clint’s apartment. They’d just finished watching John Wick and were snuggled together on the couch when he broached the topic.

‘Hey, I was wondering…’ he began. Bucky hummed in acknowledgement and Clint found the courage to continue, ‘How do you feel about telling people we’re dating?’

Bucky blinked at him for a moment, then smiled softly. ‘I had kind of hoped to just keep it between us for a while,’ he said, reaching out to cup Clint’s jaw so that he could pull him in for a kiss. ‘I like having something that’s just ours.’

‘Yeah, of course,’ Clint murmured, kissing back. Internally, he was reeling. He’d thought, he’d really, really thought that Bucky was different. That this relationship would be different. Bucky had seemed so genuinely in love with him. He’d hoped that he’d been misreading the signs, that Bucky wasn’t trying to hide their relationship. He was an idiot. Of course Bucky was ashamed to be seen with him. Everyone else had been. Why would Bucky be different?

He spent the rest of the day in a haze, trying to figure out what he could do. Obviously Bucky would move on as soon as someone better came along, someone he could actually show off and be seen in public with, but surely Clint could do something to be worth keeping around. There had to be a way to convince Bucky he could be worth the trouble.

He did his best to be more attentive, ceding decision making to Bucky wherever possible. He made sure to arrange dates at some of Bucky’s favourite places and he often chose to order Bucky’s favourite foods. He even got out his dusty old baking pans and set about making a batch of double chocolate cookies before their next night in.

He made sure to pick out his tightest jeans, and the t-shirt Nat always got him to wear when they hit up the bars together, because it fit snugly to his biceps. Neither were comfortable, but he knew what his assets were, and his face wasn’t the best of them. Being an easy lay had kept people coming back to him before, and he was hoping it would work in his favour again.

Bucky whistled when he came through the door. ‘Damn, doll, lookin’ good,’ he drawled, catching Clint in a tight hug. ‘Also, do I smell cookies?’

‘Yup, just finished baking,’ Clint said, sneaking a quick peck on the cheek. ‘I felt like making something, and I know how much you like double chocolate cookies, so… Anyway, what’s on tonight’s agenda?’ He gave Bucky a blinding smile, praying that his nerves weren’t showing through. He’d gotten good at hiding them over the years, but something about Bucky made him feel like he couldn’t keep a lid on them.

‘Well,’ Bucky said with a wink, ‘ I was thinking dinner, and then… maybe dessert?’

Clint smirked and leaned in for a kiss. ‘Dessert can definitely be arranged,’ he said, one hand resting against the flat planes of Bucky’s stomach to steady himself.

They fell into bed together that evening, and Clint tried very hard not to think about how temporary it all was. He focused on Bucky, and making the night memorable, and tried not to cling when they were done. The fact that Bucky fell asleep in his bed felt like a victory, somehow, and yet there was a pit in his stomach that refused to be moved.

* * *

Bucky noticed something was wrong two days later. Clint was… twitchy was the only way he could put it. Bucky noticed him flitting about the apartment, unable to settle to anything except archery training. He noticed when Clint stopped clapping back to Bucky’s light ribbing. He noticed that he was making more and more of the decisions about where they would go, what they would do, even when and what they would eat. Now that they’d taken their clothes off once, it was much easier to do it again. Bucky didn’t think Clint had a problem having sex with him, but…

The point was, Clint didn’t seem particularly engaged in the relationship. Bucky had his suspicions about why, but he didn’t really know how to bring it up with Clint. It was pretty obvious, the more Bucky thought on it, why Clint seemed to retreat into himself whenever they were together.

He didn’t really know what to do, so he didn’t do anything. He figured it would get to be too much for Clint soon enough. He wasn’t interested in making that time come any sooner that it was already going to. He did his best to take Clint places that Bucky thought he’d like. He ordered food they’d both enjoyed before, little reminders that they’d been close even before the soulmarks, that surely, something so small couldn’t take that away from them? He tried to love Clint as slow and as soft as he could, every time they ended up in bed together, treasuring every second of what he was sure, always always sure, was going to be the last time he’d be allowed to kiss and taste and touch. He did everything he could to be perfect for Clint, but it didn’t seem to stop him pulling away.

It might have gone on that way forever, but Nat finally came home from a deep cover mission she’d been on for the last three weeks. It took all of two hours from her arrival for her to track Bucky down and corner him in the gym.

‘On the mat,’ she said, ‘Let’s spar.’

Bucky took a step back onto the mat out of sheer instinct, watching as she crossed the room in an even, deliberate stride.

 _Oh god_ , Bucky thought, _She’s going to kill me, and I don’t even know what I’ve done._

She started with a flurry of quick blows that put him almost immediately on the defensive.

‘What have you done to Clint?’ she asked as he ducked a punch that would have broken his nose if it had connected. She wasn’t pulling anything. He really was going to die.

He swept his leg out, trying to overbalance her. ‘I haven’t done anything!’ he exclaimed.

She landed an elbow in his ribcage and he staggered back, gasping. ‘Then why,’ she struck out with a kick to his knees, ‘Is he walking around convinced that you don’t love him after all?’

Bucky danced back away from her kick, feinting to the right before lunging toward her. ‘I don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about!’ he said. ‘Clint’s been avoiding me and actin’ like he doesn’t give two shits about what we had goin’! Maybe it’s him you should be ambushing? Ask him why he hasn’t got the guts to just end it?’

Nat drew back with a blank look, apparently done with sparring as abruptly as she’d begun the match. ‘The two of you truly are idiots, aren’t you?’

Bucky blinked at her stupidly. ‘All signs point to yes, to be honest,’ he grumbled, pulling a hand through his hair. ‘You gonna help a guy out, here, Nat, or should I just go home and end it myself?’

In the time it took him to finish his sentence and inhale, Nat had flown across the mat and landed a series of jabs to his stomach and ribs. As he doubled over to protect himself, she swept a leg around his knees, toppled him to the mat and followed him down so that she landed across his thighs, using her weight to pin him in place. He could have broken the hold if he’d wanted to. Given the difference in their weights, Nat would have to actually harm him to hold him in that position, but he figured if she was resorting to literally sitting on him, he should maybe listen to her.

‘You are a dumbass,’ she growled, ‘and not even an endearing dumbass right now. If you value our friendship, you will not end things without actually speaking things through with Clint. What has he done that would make you think he has no interest in your relationship? And what have you done that might make him think the same of you? You knew from the start that Clint has many insecurities, and that he withdraws at the slightest hint of rejection. Make this right, or I swear you will spend the rest of your life in misery.’

‘I’ve never done _anything_ to make Clint think I was… rejecting… him…’ Bucky said, trailing off as he suddenly thought back to a quiet conversation on the couch the week before. He’d said… but he hadn’t meant… ‘Aww fuck,’ he muttered, thumping his head on the mat. ‘Nat, lemme up. I need to go explain.’

Nat didn’t let him up. ‘Make no mistake, Barnes, if you’re going to end things, do it, but you had damn well better explain yourself beforehand.’ The words were hissed into his ear, one final threat before she let him off the mat.

Bucky hurried from the room, not bothering to look back at Nat, or change his clothes before heading back to Clint’s apartment.

Clint was curled up in a ball on the couch, looking more miserable than Bucky had ever seen him before. He’d found a channel showing re-runs of old Dog Cops episodes and made himself a blanket nest. His favourite fuzzy purple blanket was pulled up over his head, like the hood of a cape. It didn’t look like he was seeing much of what was playing on the screen. Bucky wanted to cry. He crossed the room in three strides and dropped to his knees in front of Clint.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, reaching out to cup Clint’s face in his flesh palm. ‘I’m so sorry, doll. I never meant you to think I didn’t want you. Didn’t mean I wanted to keep you a secret ‘cause I was ashamed of you. God, Clint, you’re the most wonderful man I know and I can’t believe you’re even slightly interested in someone like me. I just, they’re all so nosey… I just wanted some time to get to know who we were together, just the two of us before the whole world stuck their noses in with their opinions and comments and fucking rude questions. But, Clint, listen. I love you. I love you so much I’d shout it from the top of the Empire State Building if you wanted me to. And, fuck, I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that for a second.’

Clint shot up off the couch and away from Bucky’s touch, shaking his head as the blanket fell away from his shoulders. ‘You don’t gotta… I know Nat spoke to you,’ he said. ‘She’ll get over it. I’ll talk to her. You don’t gotta… We have fun, right? There’s nothing wrong with that. I mean… We can keep just… we can keep having fun. I mean, I always figured it was gonna be something casual. I’m not expecting something long term here. I’m not really made for that kinda thing.’

Bucky watched him twist his fingers in the hem of his shirt for lack of anything to fidget with while he spoke. It was one of his biggest tells. Clint was lying, and nervous.

‘Clint,’ he said, reaching for him again, but Clint flinched away. ‘I want something long term with you. I don’t care how hard we have to work at it. I love you. And, honestly, can you really say you were having fun this past week? Cause I haven’t been. I’ve been goin’ outta my mind tryin’ to figure out what I’d done wrong and how to fix it. This relationship is only fun if we’re both happy.’

‘I’m happy,’ Clint said, trying on a smile. ‘I’m happy as long as you’re happy. I’m happy with whatever you’ll give me.’

‘Doll,’ Bucky sighed, ‘I’m trying to say that I’d happily give you everything. I want to make this work, and I thought some privacy would let us work out how to do that. But all I’ve done is make you sad. I’m sorry.’

Clint stared at him in shock for a moment before glancing away. He kept his eyes on the ground while he spoke. ‘I don’t… My parents were soulmates,’ he said, dropping back onto the couch like a puppet with the strings cut. ‘I know how much soulmates can hurt each other. I also know that I’m really not great at relationships, or being a soulmate. You know Barney was the last person my mom left her mark on? I get it, that it wasn’t my fault, and that she was a shitty person in a shitty position, but… It’s pretty easy to remember that people don’t want me.’

Bucky knew better than to try to reach for Clint again, no matter how much he ached to. He wanted to fix this. He wanted Clint to understand how loved he was. Bucky knew, intellectually, that people could have soulmates that were the absolute worst person for them, and it killed him inside to think that Clint had seen relationships like that play out, enough to believe that their relationship would go the same way.

Clint took a deep breath. ‘You’re right; this week really hasn’t been fun. I just wanted to keep you for as long as I could. I wanted to be a good soulmate for you. If you think you can put up with me long enough to work on it, then I’m hardly gonna turn you down. I don’t want to lose you. Not until I have to.’

‘I don’t want to lose you either,’ Bucky said. ‘I’ve got my own issues, Clint. Things that might cause problems for us, but I don’t wanna give up on us before we’ve even had a chance to see what we can be. I loved going on dates with you. I loved spending time just shootin’ the shit, or shootin’ on the range. I loved just being around you. I’m sorry if I made it seem like I didn’t. Will you… give me another shot?’ he asked, hesitant.

Clint didn’t reply instantly. He twisted the hem of his shirt back and forth a few times, worrying it between his fingers and worrying Bucky right along with it. He’d never been awful good at waiting for things but this was torture. 

‘Can we tell the team?’ Clint eventually asked, voice small but resolute.

‘Course we can, doll,’ Bucky replied instantly, ‘I’d be proud to tell them you’re my soulmate.’

Clint gave him a shy smile. ‘It doesn’t hafta be right away,’ he said, ‘I just think I’d like them to know.’

Bucky shook his head with a smile. ‘Nah, we should tell ‘em soon,’ he said. ‘We’ve been pushing it keeping it quiet this long; they’re bound to figure it out sooner rather than later. Besides, I’ve been wanting to talk to Steve about my best guy; he’s just real nosey and I wanted to get comfortable first.’

‘He is a bit of a busybody, isn’t he,’ Clint laughed. ‘Buck, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you. I should have known you wouldn’t just play with me like that, but I should have at least asked. I’m… not so good at the whole communication thing, but if we’re gonna do this, I’ll try. I’ll try to be better,’ he said.

‘An’ I’ll try not to assume the worst if you’re struggling,’ Bucky agreed. He reached out towards Clint but stopped halfway there. Clint reached back and they clasped hands. Bucky leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Clint’s knuckles. ‘I ain’t givin’ up on you, Barton.’


End file.
